factoid
Ambiein is a motherfucker.
Jackson (Jack) “pants" McLox doesn't so much show up but more like Arrives - forever not knocking. This time he walked through the door in a generic white polo, some sort of jeans cuffed high on his calf, and deck shoes. He was covered in blood that was somehow oozing from a head wound that wasn't there. After greeting everyone with overly enthusiastic (in his mind, ironic) high-fives, he disappeared down the hall and slammed the door to my bedroom.
Jenn said, “Whaaaah?"
“Yep." I looked at my phone. “He walked through the door at 6pm +/- 10 seconds, like a fucking clock. OCD as they get.”
“Uhhh, Didn't you see him?" She asked, “Is he hurt?”
“He can't be late. He'll do anything." I said, “He drives a shit box K-Car convertible and keeps a bottle of fake blood under the seat. I think he stole it from his ex or whatever. Something about a vampire fetish. Anyway, when traffic gets bad he'll get this compulsive need to pass everyone on the shoulder. Problem is he can't stand being That Dick who drives on the shoulder and cuts everyone off. Plus, everyone will block That Dick from getting back into traffic like its their fucking job. So, he covers himself in fake blood and goes. Who's not going to let a guy covered in blood get in front of them?"
“Really?"
“Works wonders in long-bathroom-line type situations."
And we'd walk, sometimes for hours. And they were like music, her footsteps, with a sweet, subtle swing in their rhythm. Her left foot hitting a little earlier than it should. Her right hitting a little harder, like a long eighth note followed by an accented short. I never mentioned it and I'm not even sure she ever noticed, but I felt it. I could see it. The way her hips sat when she stood straight. She was always tall. Her legs long, thin, maybe a little knock-kneed. It was right there - Her left leg was shorter than her right. I noticed it when we were kids, swimming. Standing there in her bathing suit. I could see it when she wore low cut jeans and short tops. And later, standing there naked in my living room.
Jack pushed through automatic doors:
My birthday means breakfast with grandma. She used to come to our house for my birthday breakfasts because it landed school days most years. Birthdays that weren't on school days meant a Moons Over My Hammy. The tradition had some hiccups while I was away at school but it got right on track after I quit. Recently it has been us, alone, with toast and jelly at her place.
“Woah grandma, you're gonna bust a nut trying to get that jar open." I offered some assistance. "Hand it here."
“Thanks Jack." She passed the jar. “So, honey, how are things?"
“Work is good, nothing to write home about. Friends are fine, a little crazy, but fine. XXXX is good, we might find a place together in May."
“You know how I feel about that."
“Grandma, you sound like a rusty trombone again."
“I know, but dammit you're so young. I want to see you get out there and spread that seed."
“Nice grandma. Real nice."
I slapped strawberry jelly on dark toast and said, “There is this girl at school."
“What's her name, Sweetie?"
“I'm not sure. I see her around a couple times a month."
“Is she pretty?"
“Pretty? Yes. Not gorgeous. I don't know if its the glasses or the shoes, but there's something about her that really gets me. Every time I see her, I Feel It."
“Have you talked to her?"
“Not really. Last week I pushed through some automatic doors and there she was but I didn't say anything. I froze, really. First, because I almost hit her with the door. Second, I'm sure the look on my face creeped her out because that's when I noticed it."
“Noticed what?"
“When I first started back at school I was walking across campus and this girl on a moped thing rode slowly past. I didn't see her face, but I guess it didn't matter because I still somehow got this ridiculous crush. I loved what she was wearing and the way she carried herself, on the dorky moped, no less." I took a bite. “I know, dumb. Right? She had this tattoo and I thought, ‘Wow, I hate bikes and tattoos, but I wish i could know her name.' but its not like I could just call out and say, ‘Hey, I don't know you but I suddenly have this wicked crush on you and I live with my girlfriend and can we be friends?'"
Grandma talked with a mouth full of toast, “I knew you two were living together." She waved the butter knife. “What did you notice about the other girl behind the door?"
“The tattoo. It was her. I opened the door, saw the tattoo and almost shat. The girl I always see with the glasses was the girl on the moped. So, I said hi and she said hi and I held the door and she walked out."
“Oh Jack. You have to stop falling in love with strangers. Do you think about this girl all the time?"
“Of course."
“Aaaaannndd she's perfect."
“Yes."
“I can tell you right now, she's not. She's probably fast, or a moron. I know sometimes I sound like a rusty trombone and I don't mean to bust your nut (I choked a little) but I've seen it too many times with your uncle to sit back and watch you do a Little Mermaid."
“Little Mermaid?"
“Yes. Just like the cartoon. You see some random stranger and think they're the bees knees. So, you do everything you can to be with them. You change your clothes. You change the way you talk. Once you meet them you see they're not as perfect as you imagined, but how could they not be perfect because that's why you're in love with them. You throw away your friends and everything to change yourself to fit. But, that's the problem, you'll never fit. She won't change. You'll make excuses. You'll feel like shit because you gave up everything you had that made you special - your mermaid tail - and the next thing you know you have three kids and you have to drink yourself silly just so you can stand to be in the same room with her."
“Are you on the internet?"
Meeting her parents for the first time went about as I expected. Her dad answered the door. He stared at me for a second and yelled into the house. “Leslie? You might want to get out here. There's another flaming bag of shit on the porch." He spit to the side but still I felt it on my face.
I smiled. “Hey there. Are you Mr. xxxx?"
“Yeah."
“The guys at school are going to be real jealous."
“Of what?"
“I got to meet the man who made the most realistic sex toy of all time. Is your wife around? I'd like to congratulate her."
Leslie bounced through the door, squeezing her dad on the way out, “Love you, daddy. I'll be home early." She grabbed my hand and quickly led me across the lawn to the car. Her dad was a statue.
“I think I broke your dad."
“What do you mean?"
“Nevermind… Where we going?"
It wasn't pleasant, but at least I knew The Bag of Shit at the Door dad was all talk. I had to wait a few years for a truly crazy dad to take me for a ride:
She was kind of beautiful with big teeth and her dad owned all the private parking lots downtown. His name was Bob and he looked completely normal. He had whitish hair, he was thin, he dressed well, and he talked to me with respect. I couldn't help but look up to him. He was a self-made man who treated me in a way that made me feel I could learn a thing or two.
Is it weird that my dad wants to hang out with you? She asked.
Maybe a little, but I'll do it.
Really? Great! He's going to call you.
He did call, the next morning. We made plans for dinner.
He picked me up in his brand new Cadillac CTS and we took a ride downtown. I didn't ask where we were going and I got a little worried when we headed North on hwy. 55 and exited just after downtown. It was a scary part of the city and we were tooling around in a brand new Cadillac.
What's the name of the restaurant, I asked.
It's called The Haves. Ever hear about it?
Nope, I said. I hope it is good, I said. Don't worry, it is good, he said and we drove East toward the river. The only thing I knew about the area is it was full of tore up warehouses and home to some sort of helicopter refueling pad. No one would ever go here for dinner.
We slowed down on an arbitrary block and the gate of a chain-link fenced parking lot slid open. The building looked like a real piece of shit, but the cars in the lot were nice like Bob's CTS. There was a single light over the solid double doors. The door on the left was dark and heavy like oiled teak with polished silver hardware and there was a sign above, "The Haves." The door on the right was shitty and weathered with several coats of paint peeling, almost falling apart with a crooked sign above - "The Have-Nots." The windows that had been there at one time were boarded up with graying and splintered plywood.
Bob opened the door and ushered me inside. The hostess (gorgeous) greeted me, gave Bob a smile and led us to an open table.
For the most part, it was simply another uber-trendy restaurant. Good lighting, modern design, extremely comfortable chairs. Except the back corner was set up as a trashy liquor/corner store. Dirty shelves filled with generic chips and junk food, bright fluorescent lights, a cash register at the counter in front of a wall of cigarettes and cheap booze. It even had a roped off porn section and a creepy looking guy was sitting behind the counter like he was working.
The food was my first experience with molecular gastronomy (oddly delicious) and the first time I was truly freaked out about every single person in the room.
The restaurant was set up near "Hopeville" - a tent city of homeless people camped out at the Mississippi River floodwall near the Riverfront Trail. There weren't any stores or facilities near the camp so this place was basically set up in a prime location to attract homeless people.
The "Have-Nots" had to walk through the restaurant to the back corner where they would buy generic cigarettes and horrible cheap vodka that, I guess, due to the liquor laws had to be poured into styrofoam cups with lids and straws before they could leave with it.
Five men and one woman walked through the restaurant while we were there eating our $473.92 meal. Bob would stop mid-sentence to comment - "Look at that real bag of shit." It was loud and I laughed, but at his choice of words, not the man. Other tables had things to say, too. Occasionally, and I'm still not sure why, everyone would tap on their water glasses and people would laugh wildly.
He dropped me off at home and I called her.
How was it? Tell me everything. Where did you guys go?
The Haves, I said.
Oh my God, he took you to The Haves?
Yeah, it was pretty unbelievable, I said.
I know, she said, I LOVE that place!
“This is utter bullshit," she said.
“You mean cow udders, or, maybe figuratively?" I said.
“Fuck you. That doesn't even make sense."
“Right," I said, “sorry."
She looked me up and down and smiled. It was always like this - wound tight and a little drunk. a cloudy forecast that never comes to fruition hiding in the prediction of thunder and lightning with some [unreadable] of high winds to clear the air or blow everything to bits. This idea of going on w/o a plan or [illegible] a glimmer of an idea puts us on edge. That, and the mochas. We'll always [turn page] have the mochas. Hot. Frozen. 140° low-fat, no whip. All fat, extra whip. whatever Low Cal. Wilford Brimley's night terror. We had them all and wanted more. Always hiding in our poor grammar, oversized headphones & loud devices with nothing to say, of significance, of course, back pedaling through our days, doing well by not really doing, but Hiding. Hiding was something we were good at. We loved that feeling of nearly getting caught but not being seen. The idea that you can be there. Be Right There for all the world to see but still be invisible. We were nothing special. Tall but not pretty. Thin but not toned, not strangely beautiful, but we were there, Always. Taking it in with little comment except within ourselves. Long-winded commentaries on the world's actors and bullshit around us. I latched onto her phrase, Udder Bullshit. What does that really mean? Bulls don't have udders. I've never seen a bull Hell, how would I even know? I cursive I have never seen a bull up close, let alone inspected its underside. For all I know, they do have udders, and Hell this shat bay maybe they shit out of them, maybe that's where we get our mocha. It's not cocoa in espresso. It doesn't come from a chocolate cow. It is just udder bullshit. You know what? I'll take it… That extra shot of expresso, please. Yes, I said expresso. One of the many things I get wrong just to annoy her. Ranking Neat Things That I Like is not up top of my list of Neat Things That I Like, but annoying her is right there near the top. Her pursed lips. The upskir wrinkle between her brow. The way she pulls and twists her hair. It is precious and beautiful, but not anything like her crying. God, I love that. Especially when it is my fault. (#1)
I was thinking today - I have a fancy phone, internet, messaging, all that. I [illegible] feel lost without it; cut-off from everything I deem important like knowing the time. Which is interesting and trite because there are, at this very moment (both as i write and years down the later as you read) there are a good # of people who have problems. Real problems & who are, not, or maybe by choice, so cut-off that they don't know what day it is, let alone time. Right now there is a baby being born to a mother who has a hell of a lot more to worry about than the date. That baby will never [turn page] have a birthday. And, will likely have enough Real problems that the lack of a birthday will not be much of a concern. And, here I am, worried if my phone has enough juice to last until I get home.
It did, even though I was later than usual. After plugging it in, I looked through the sliding glass door to the backyard. She was sitting, head thrown back, facing west[photo]. Her long hair up and messy. I waved. She shrugged and squinted. Barefoot with legs crossed at the calf. Her toes tapping to whatever was playing. Faded black sharpie on the bottom of her dirty left foot -
I am the boy
who can enjoy
invisibility.
- j.j.
The pool hadn't been touched since the day they found her mother at the bottom of it. The water was low with three years of tannic leaves at the bottom, strains of algae growing up the side and streaks of rust running off the ladder. The grass was dead or dying and choked with weeds and gumballs dropped by the American Sweetgum trees (liquidambar styraciflua) that dominated the subdivision.
“What's going on with you?" She asked as I stepped outside.
“I don't know what we accomplished, but I laughed so hard I fell down." I said, “So, there's that, I guess."
Evlyn (eavie) Rhehn
pretty, young women who go against the system in their own way.
but what would matt's girlfriend, jen, say?
we are:
tall
thin
not beautiful
we are introverted
we consume
we think
we produce nothing
we are invisible


As we ducked out of the rain I exhaled and she rolled her eyes. The neighborhood was always quiet at night but tonight it was full of thunder and rain. My neck was on fire and I was standing and she was Standing. She seemed to be made of stars. Or, at least, more stars than most. Certainly more than me.
We shouted and ran to the next porch, singing and splashing with courage(? I'm not sure.) and contrived rage. That porch light was off and we held hands. We didn't know how much had changed and we couldn't have cared less because right then, right there, we were closer than we had ever been.
I pulled a plastic cup out of the trash and toasted, “Here's to you, darling" and tossed it over my right shoulder. I felt like this was meant to be. I was ready to waste away and to let the rain take us dOwN and ON & ON.
We ran into the street and I fell flat. She kneeled - her eyebrows were doing their job as the rain poured down her face. My knees were scraped and my arm was getting blue and yellow but my bones were good. She brought me up and made me forget.
I thought (right then and right there) she would ask if I came back for her, but instead -
“Let's go to the cemetery!"
And we ran. And then we were there.
The rain was gone and we laughed at the one star that shone between clouds not knowing if it was a star at all. My shoes squished. Hers were gone. We were close to her old house, now. She was thinking of her old pink bedroom while standing on a wet monument in bare feet under a black sky, coming clean.
“I didn't love you," she said.
“I know."
“I've got a wondering soul," she said, “I've got nothing to give."
“I know."
“COME ON!" She hopped down and we were running.
“I've got something to say." Her breath was short. “When I die I want 10 seconds to look back and know I've lived it right." We were running together and we hurdled a stone. “I know the mistakes I've made and how they each mark up my soul. Lord knows the mistakes I'll make. (We jumped another stone.) What will become of me? My soul?" We stopped and I bent over to catch my breath. She said, "God, I don't know."
And she flopped in the mud and she said, “I want you to be one of my mistakes. Right now." She pulled me to her. “If you feel it… What I'm feeling… Then come on!"
Her arms and legs were around me and a breeze blew and the trees rained down and we were salty and out of breath and then I was wearing her lipstick and her wet hair seemed longer and every movement sank us in the mud. Her neck smelled like candy & my favorite shirt was somehow gone & we were moving and sinking deeper.
The wind blew again and the trees filled my eyebrows with salty rain and she killed me with kisses and then It all somehow washed away and she ran. Fast.
I didn't get up for a long time. Maybe she said wandering soul.
"Do you want to know how I got these scars?"
"No."
"How about this?" He said.
So, I said, "How about what?"
"How about I give you ten thousand dollars, yesterday."
"What's the catch?" I asked.
"You just have to show me how you did it. The offer is good for as long as I can still get around. No use traveling if you can't see the sights (sites?)"
We were roaming the streets on the first warm night of Spring in our t-shirts and jeans and the first skirts of the year. We were drunk and smoking and loving it.
"Look! Look!" Jen said. She was bent over picking up something in a shadow just off the sidewalk. "Look at this!"
She held it up, cradling it with both hands. It was dark and I was drunk and I couldn't see. I think I was still walking.
Someone said, "Oh my god. You just found that?"
"Yeah, it was sitting right there. What should we do?"
"Ask it a question," Sam said.
She ran under a street light and shook it, the Magic 8-ball that she found hiding in the shadow. Everyone huddled around her, taking turns.
"Should we???"
"Will I???"
"Is he???"
"Did she???"
"When will???"
"That's not how you play. Yes or no questions, only," Jen said.
"Here." She handed me the Magic 8-ball but all I could do is watch her lips form the word, 'here.' The way they kind of puckered while smiling, the corners turned upwards, her bright eyes, the matter-of-fact nod. "It's your turn!"
I took the toy and put it close to my ear as I shook. It sloshed and I shushed everyone and I made a big production out of it. I'm sure it was more annoying than anything. I whispered something to the Magic 8-ball.
"That's not how it works! You have to ask out loud." She said.
"This is important, Jen." I said, "I need a real answer."
This was true, I did need real answers. We all did and I thought for a second how this magic found us - Five desperate twenty somethings who needed an answer. A real answer to anything - We would have taken it.
I cheated, though. I didn't ask anything. I turned the 8-ball window side up, closed my eyes, looked toward the sky and waited.
"What's it say?" I asked.
Sam said, "Uhh… it says, Without a Doubt."
I handed him the 8-ball and pulled Jen in and kissed her hard under that orange street light. We had only just met an hour ago.
begin
Got wasted again. Ridiculous hangover. Eyes opened. 4:30am. I closed my eyes and exhaled. Streaks of light and static danced across my eyelids in some sort of visual aura. My breath? awful. Dry mouth, cakes of garbage in each corner. I can still remember...
one hour to the job site. Out the truck and on the roof in 93 seconds. first, tear off old shingles. nails. tar paper. turn it to garbage. fill the dumpster. faster. work faster. destroy 1 square every 3 minutes. Second pass, fragments and tar paper. sun rising. i guess that is east. Third pass, drive leftover nails flat into the plywood. clean slate. good foundation. 7:15am rolls of tar paper. Set, square, roll, tack. set, square roll tack. tack cut roll, cut rolls of tar paper. Set, square, roll, tack. set, square roll tack. tack cut roll, cut tack roll. tack roll.
Done. 8:24am. Warm Water. SUN. so much of it. barking. knee pads and boots. dogs. work. nails. faster. shingles. place, tack, place, tack, square. overlap, tack, place. place tack tack tack. place. tack. nail gun jam. fix, tack.
sounds: SNAP. air compressor. scrape. rustling tree limbs (wind). SNAP-SNAP-SNAP(three hits per shingle 50 shingles in a square. 45 square roof.) EQUALS: SNAP * 6,750 + 12 misfires per square (Standard deviation 4) 500 nails per clip pause to reload then SNAP-SNAP-SNAP scrap SNAP-SNAP-SNAP scrape. Edges mean cut shingle typically 2 nails straight cut. if less than 1/8 shingle then trash else pile. Barking(see above)
Lunch break. 17 oz Cool Coffee. Sugar, non-dairy creamer. Pork Rinds and Funons.
Ladder (14 rungs) roof. SNAP-SNAP-SNAP etc.
Blank.
Thinking stopped.
this life.
A truck idled in the driveway. 1:09pm. 9 Squares to go. SNAP-SNAP-SNAP scrape. The driver talked on speaker phone. We called him boss even if he wasn't. formalities don't matter. Roofers. We start early. We drink from the hose and generally don't bother. Stats on this crew: 67% are less than 8 months out of prison. Median age - 24.5 years. 93% drink. 23% illegal. One animal. Meth-amphetamines? weed? heroin? cocaine? Yes. The driver in the truck was mouthing words into his phone. I saw him as I stood on the roof's edge. I was dizzy with heat and shaking for something to drink and I waved and swayed.
He rolled his window down and yelled, "Ese. Come down here, por favor."
So, I did. 14 rungs down the ladder and I walked in the shade and stood on his passenger side (shade) and his window came down and cool air (smelled of tobacco and cool water or maybe drakkar noir or mabye Polo. I'm not sure.) rushed from the cab and twisted into the shade's heat which further twisted into the sun's heat. Cycle, repeat.
"How's it going up there, chief?" he said. "Are you going to finish today?"
"Yes, sir. The underlayment was in good shape and we didn't find any leaks. We will be done by three or four at the latest." I said.
He tilted his head, just a bit, "well then, ok. how is the crew today?"
"We're doing very well, thank you. Pablo's back is healing nicely. I think he'll be 100% in a week or two."
"That was a nasty fall, wasn't it?" he said.
"Yes." I said.
He paused, just for a bit and then said, "Do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Go ahead."
"I don't know how to ask this, but you don't sound like you're Mexican. How is your accent so good?"
"I'm from Madison. Adopted when I was a baby. My parents are white as can be." I said.
"That explains a lot. What are you doing out here working on roofs, then?" he asked.
"I found my biological parents a few years ago in Mexico and I have a brother. He needs money to go to school, so I'm out here working and sending the money home to him. A couple of the guys on this crew know my real family."
"Wow. Good story. I bet you could write a pretty good book." he said.
"Yeah, a book." I said.
He handed me an envelope. "Here's tomorrow's job. Take care."
"You too."
The man put his truck in reverse and backed down the driveway. 14 rungs and I was on the roof. 1:19pm. 9 squares to go. SNAP-SNAP-SNAP. A book. SNAP-SNAP-SNAP-SCRAPE. I shouldn't have said Madison. SNAP-SNAP-SNAP. Book. A cloud broke the sun. SNAP-BOOK-SNAP. My hangover was finally going aways. BOOK-SNAP-BOOK-SCRAPE. water. scrape. place. tack tack tack. scrape. place. tack book tack, etc.
Thinking stopped.
Almost.
A book.
What if?
I promised not to tell.
Why did I say Madison?
I could change the names.
It wouldn't have to be exact.
Why not?
Why can't I tell?
She was gone.
no one would read it
more write. less drink.
She was gone.
I couldn't get a job anywhere, anyway.
and, she was gone.
a book.
Why the hell not.
8 more squares to go...
He left and I worked the rest of the day. Now I'm here on a futon mattress spread on the floor, trying to sleep. My hands hurt. I hurt. I'm no where near sleep. I think:
I shouldn't have said Madison.
So, I get up. Our room is dark but the moon is out so I can see just well enough to pull on my jeans, find my glasses and hat, and get to the door without crashing into anything or stepping on anyone. Five of us share this room. It isn't a big deal if i wake anyone up but I don't want to hassle anyone and it'll be better when they realize I'm gone. They'll wonder when I left and I like that for some reason. It strikes me. Some sort of mystery. I guess. It is silly, i know, but I try. Always try. Pocket check: Wallet. Keys. Phone. Ear plugs. Rock.
Jacket on. Door open. I slip outside and slowly pull the door closed. I keep the door handle turned and release it slowly so the catch doesn't click. Slight squeak, but definitely nothing loud enough for anyone to care.
I walk.
Porch to steps to driveway to sidewalk to the corner. The crew shares a small apartment in a large complex. So many dumpsters. They don't even try to hide them. Cars are parked everywhere. Orderly, in spaces, but again, like the dumpsters. So many cars. Walking around this place alone at night makes my stomach sick and my balls tingle. I stop, turn around, and walk.
Corner to sidewalk to driveway to steps to porch. I'm back at the apartment where I open the door slowly, silently. I'm nervous, I guess. There isn't really a good way to say this, but I have to poop. So, I do. I brush my teeth slowly, shake the water off the toothbrush and put it in my pocket. Silently down the hall to the kitchen. I grab my phone charger and stuff it in my pocket. I climb on the counter to reach far behind the refrigerator and up in the crack between the cabinet and wall. My envelope. My savings. All the cash I have. Now I'm at the front door. I silence my phone and put it in airplane mode.
Again, door to porch to steps to driveway to sidewalk to the corner. The moon is higher in the sky. Fucking moon. Hanging there, looking over us with its fat, white, judging face. Coming as going as it pleases, cowering behind clouds in storms. It doesn't even make its own light. It just reflects. Whatever, fucking moon.
I guess I have a plan.
I'm not very good at sleeping which is why I take walks on so many nights. The subdivision next to the apartments is a big one whose houses were built in the sixties or seventies. They all have three bedrooms and a garage and are either a ranch or a 2 story. Some houses are set on the lot at 90 degrees which makes it almost seem like there are four different floor plans. There aren't. There are 172 ranch homes and 97 two-story. 212 are 100% siding. One is stucco. The rest have some brick but are mostly siding. 57 homes are on larger lots that allow for either a two car garage or 1 car garage plus a dining room. While walking around you can get a pretty good idea the builder wasn't up for giving the buyers too many options.
Over the years, people have added on porches, window treatments, landscaping, and decks but it's hard to get any sense of individuality in this _ neighborhood. The cynic in me says everyone inside these houses are exactly the same, but I know better.
The area around here is completely flat. There are no walk-out basements. However, some people put a basement door in their house by digging a hole, forming concrete stairs and adding a small drain. I like how flat it is because some nights I run. Runners seem to be less suspicious and I like that.
Tonight I'm headed to 5678 Pine Street whose porch light burned out late last month. I arrive and do a quick 360 to see if anyone is watching. No one. I sprint up to the side of the house next to the garage and sit up against the house.
Here, I wait. The woman who lives here tends to get home late and she's more into cats than dogs. It's just after midnight and she isn't home. So, I sit cross legged, or Indian style as they said in elementary school which gives me some fantods so I lie supine and then semi-supine parallel to the house; against the house.
A mosquito buzzes in my ear and my balls are tingling and my heart rate is up and i hear a truck and the garage door opens. Headlights flash on the neighbors house and disappear as her blue Ford Explorer rumbles and squeaks its way into the garage. I roll to my hands and knees and crawl quickly to the corner of her house. I peek around the corner and catch the taillight as her truck finishes going in. I follow it in on the passenger side staying low and moving quickly with my head up to watch the mirror making sure I'm not in it. She keeps hers pointed high so I'm in the clear. The truck stops and she clicks it into park and I roll underneath. The exhaust is 2" from my face and the heat from the catalytic converter is almost burning my left leg. The truck turns off and I hear her shuffling for her purse or bags or whatever. I don't care. I don't move.
The exhaust snaps and pops in my ear as it cools.
She steps out of her truck and slams the door. Not a very dainty girl, this one. She drags her left foot a bit. Her shoes clip, clop and slide 12 steps where she stops. She pulls open the door to her house, hits the garage door opener, shuts off the light and slams the door. She is gone but I can't tell 100% if she locked it behind her.
I slip from under the truck. I'm sweaty and my back is dusty and it is completely dark. I can't see anything and I have to be extremely careful not to make any noise. After all these years, I'm pretty good at it. I sit up and take off my t-shirt and pull out my phone. I use it as a flashlight as brush the dust off my shirt. There is no grease and that makes me happy. I double check my phone. It is still in airplane mode. I find a bare spot on the wall where I can lean and sit quietly and in the dark and sit and breathe.
And sit for an hour.
And sit for another hour.
I feel good. It is time so I get up and put on my shirt. This garage and the house is completely quiet. I am quiet, relaxed, clean and dry. I walk around the truck 16 steps to the door using my phone for a flashlight. With my hand around the knob I pause. I don't know if you've noticed, but pretty much every door knob has some play in it. A light click as the mechanism engages. So, I twist slowly and just a bit until it catches. I still haven't made a sound. This is good.
She didn't lock the door. That makes me happy. I twist the knob just enough to get the door to open and push slowly. It doesn't squeak. That makes me happy. I'm in her kitchen. The light is on over the sink. It looks dim like a single 40 watt light bulb covered in a dusty fixture that has been hanging in a kitchen for 25 years. The glass seems slightly browned, maybe. I imagine taking the damp dishrag that is hanging off the faucet, running some warm, soapy water in the sink while carefully dismantling this light fixture. I take it off the ceiling. Soak its parts for a while. I imagine myself and some soapy water scrubbing years of sticky off that light so it can glow a clean, white light again.
I look to the left. There's her purse. They always throw them down right by the door. In the purse: wallet, girl shit, and keys. That makes me happy. The litter box is next to the door. Fuck that. I slip her keys out of this ridiculously large, fake brown leather bag. Her key ring is equally ridiculous. So many keys and fucking picture frames and souvenirs and crap carabiners that couldn't support Kate Moss. It is hard to keep the mess quiet, but my hands are big. There is a course listing for some nights school sitting here. bent backward at the spine with blue ink pen circling the words, "Pre-Nursing Workshop," over and over again to where the paper was almost worn through.
I left the kitchen door open, I always do. I go through the doorway and I'm in the garage, again. Now that there's a little light, I notice a bike leaning against the wall. I need that. I close the door silently behind me. And use my phone as a flashlight, again. As quietly as I can, I put the bike in the truck. I slip the truck key off the ring and carefully set the mess of keys and rings et al. on the ground for her. No need to hassle her any more than I already have. I walk around and open the driver's door, quickly shutting off the dome light.
I'm standing on the door sill, now. I can reach the garage door opener's manual release from here so I pull it slowly and it pops a little louder than they usually do. I'm out of the truck now and at the garage door.
There's no question about it. Garage doors are fucking loud. There's pretty much no way to open one without making noise. The trick here is to go slow. Think you're going slow? Go slower. However, we're facing the street so we should be moving as fast as possible. I don't want to be hanging out where any car driving by can see me so I'm hoping no one drives by.
No one does.
I'm back in the truck.
Door closed.
Key on.
Neutral.
Key off... Well, no. Duh. you can't turn the key off in an automatic unless it is in park. I can't open the door with they key in the ignition without the warning chime banging to let everyone know I'm there.
Fuck.
Window down. Truck in park. Key off.
I get out. I reach in the window to turn the key on. Now, a big stretch to get it in neutral. Son of a bitch. You can't put a car in neutral without a foot on the brake.
I'm out of practice.
The garage door is hanging open, I'm futzing around like an idiot. I'm stealing a truck. Every time I put it in park or neutral I hit the brakes. That means the brake lights are flashing through the open garage door like beacons. Nice. I look around. There's a piece of 2x4 that's about 4' long. I lift the front bumper (and the truck) as much as I can and wedge the wood underneath. I grab a lawn furniture cushion and put it underneath.
That'll work.
I'm back in the truck. Key on. Foot on brake. Neutral. Foot off the brake. I bounce backward against the seat like a little kid trying to get the shopping cart to roll and it goes. The truck is moving. Fuck this flat-assed subdivision. The 2x4 hit squarely on the cushion. Not a sound.
Half way down the driveway I open the door. The chime is going nuts, but I should be good now. I hop out and start pushing. Down the driveway, on to the street, a left turn and I'm in front of the neighbor's house. I start the truck, throw it in drive and go. I'm confident she didn't wake up. No one usually notices until the morning, anyway, and no one saw me. Poor girl.
I'm driving 2 mph above the speed limit. Stopping at stop signs, but not lagging. Right on red? Why not, but only after coming to a complete stop. I worry about traffic cameras and anything else that may catch my face. Cameras are everywhere and I know there are three for every one I notice. Stores, businesses, Department of Transportation… Whatever. I stop to tell myself that this is a stolen car, not a murder but I am still very careful.
What's the next thing on the agenda? Find another Ford Explorer with the same body style as this one.
I drive through neighborhoods. I choose subdivisions that are dense with cars and have small houses that are close together and maybe a little ratty. You always try to steal a common car so you can do this:
I spot a red Ford Explorer that looks a lot like the one I'm in. I park one street over where there are no lights. I slip out, unscrew the license plates from my truck and hop fences and run until i'm underneath the red truck. I lie underneath because no one driving by notices someone under a car. They do, however, notice some Mexican guy hunched over behind a car stealing its plates. No one drives by, tonight. I have the red truck's plates in my hand. My trucks are in their place. I roll from under the truck, run, and hop more fences until I'm at my truck. I put the plates on and drive off.
Now I'm on the highway. 62 mph in a 60. I don't know of one person who has noticed their license plates got swapped until they get pulled over and are on the ground getting cuffed for driving a stolen car. That means I'm driving a truck with plates that are completely legit and probably will be for at least a few days. My odds are better, now. I'm finally relaxed and I'm guessing this thing holds about 20 gallons of gas. The gauge reads 3/4 of a tank. These things probably get about 16 mpg. That's 240 miles. The black sky is lightening up a bit. 240 miles is plenty.
I'll make it.
and suddenly, I am here.
I drive up a long gravel driveway, slowly. The day has broken but the fog is still here and the gravel pops and snaps and pings against the bottom of this girl's truck. The driveway is flanked by scrawny woods filled with invasive species that are choking out the cedars and elms. I get to the patch of Paper Birch (Betula papyrifera) and now I'm back being a kid coming up here for the week and using the birch as a landmark. The birches meant we were here after that brutal, eleven hour drive. The woods quickly end and now I'm driving up to the white wood siding house that sits alone in an open field. The house is in good repair, but it could use some paint, a little landscaping, and new shingles. It is a two story farmhouse that looks as if it was missing its wood shutters and a porch, even thought it never had either. I always thought a wrap-around porch with a screened-in area out back would suit the house perfectly. Instead, there is a simple, blue door at ground-level and six plain white windows with a worn out grey roof and mildew and a wasps nest under the single bulb light that hung over the door.
I keep driving.
A sharp right turn through a grown-in entrance to the woods. Downhill. Switching left and right until I'm at the gigantic pole barn that sits low and flat nuzzled in these trees like it grew along with them. Or, maybe like it pushed its way here, invading the trees' space like kudzu and honeysuckle. I put the truck in park, turn it off, and get out. The air is thick and cool, sun is heating tree tops and the barn's dark, moldy roof. I stretch and realize I'm hungry, now. Just like that, you get in a place and can suddenly feel again. I start remembering, too:
I've played a little game since I was a kid. I like to look at people. People on the street. People sitting in the subway. Saleswomen pushing cheap furniture. Tired men cleaning toilets. I like to look at them and try to understand what they see when they close their eyes. I imagine all the places they go. I pretend to know all the things in their head they see when they're all alone.
I have a plan. I will go up to that farm house, open some sort of canned food, sit at that old computer and show you exactly what happens when I close my eyes.
This is what I see.
This is to a girl.
Madison.
I was about 7 years old and walking down the hallway toward the kitchen. There was nothing particularly exciting or different about the day, but I remember it like a snapshot. Mom and dad were in the kitchen, having breakfast and a smoke. Dad was saying something about some asshole on his paper route and mom was laughing. They really did get along well, cute couple, actually. Dad was working all the time, then. It was before the business really took off and he still had his paper route. I kind of remember him doing something with scrap metal and that was when he just started with the repo guys. I was young, so I don't know many of the details. He was just gone, a lot.
Mom was pretty awesome. She was still a nurse, working long shifts but only a few days a week. Summer meant a few solid days at grandma's, then a few days with Moms all to myself. She really was pretty awesome. Funny, kind, etc.
Dad, on the other hand, was something out of a twisted fairytale. He was kind and generous but, without notice, he could strike fear in anyone. Not necessarily large, or menacing, but with his blank, shining eyes i think he managed to hit people with surprise and almost some sort of awe.
"Kate, how about you get to work early, I'll clean everything up and put the kid (he always called me, the kid I loved it) on the bus," he said to my mom. She was just as shocked as me which is probably why she agreed. She finished her toast, grabbed her purse, "you have a good day at school, honey." She patted me on the head and was out the door.
I slurped the milk out of my cereal bowl and took it to the sink. Dad was still sitting there, silent, but looking at me. I remember it clearly, the first time I was a little weirded out by someone, with the staring and all. I went for my back pack and he spoke up, "You put that down and come back to the table."
"But, dad, I'm going to be late."
"You're not going to catch that bus, kid, I have something to show you."
Like I said, weird. He went on:
Someday you'll be a man, he said, and men can do terrible things. I don't want that for you. You're better than that. But, you've got to know that there are things you can do. Things you need to be able to do that are going to help you live. Really live, kid.
"what?" i said.
Don't worry about it, someday it will all make sense. but now you just got to listen. There are places they don't want you to go, things they don't want you to see, so they put things in place to keep you out. Locks, kid. you know about locks, don't you?
"yeah" I said.
Locks don't do shit, kid. They're only there to make people think they can't get to the things they want. But, you know what kid?
"what?" I said.
Locks don't. do. shit. and I'm going to show you what I mean today. You're going to be late to school. Don't tell you mother. Can you do that for me?
"what?" I asked.
Can you not. Tell. Your. Mom. that you were late to school?
"yes." I said. I understood.
Good, kid. Now, what did I say a second ago?
"I don't know." I said, because I didn't. this was weird. He said:
Men. They can do terrible things. Here, what I'm about to show you can be bad. You have to promise me you'll be good. Do you know what that means?
"Yes," I said.
Good, do you know anything about the 'thou shalt not..' like though shalt not kill. you know what that means?
"yes." i answered.
Good, i'm going to change one that you might have heard before. It goes like this, 'though shalt not steal when there is a direct victim.' and what that means is you can't steal anything from anyone. Do you understand?
"yes, don't steal. I know that, dad." I said.
Good, but, there's a change there. 'Thou shalt (shalt, yes, he said shalt) not steal when there is a direct victim' and what that means, kid, is you can't steal from someone who's going to hurt because of what you did. Don't steal someone's food when they're hungry. Don't steal someone's jacket. Does that make sense?
"Sure, dad." I said.
Good, but you know what you can steal?
"what?" I asked.
You can take something that doesn't belong to you if it is out there and no one is going to get hurt. Does that make sense?
"Not really," I said.
Ok, well, we'll talk about this some more later. But, we don't have much time so let's get started.
He had an old door knob in his lap the whole time. He put it on the table and said, "go out in the garage and get a couple screwdrivers." And I did, and he taught me all about how keys and locks work. We took that thing apart, I learned everything I needed to know that morning about tumblers, lock cylinders, pins, and keys. I learned how to take apart a door knob. How to take apart a lock. How to put it back together. And, most importantly, how to lock bump. Crazy thing was, as a seven year old, I somehow had a particular knack for it. I was good at it. Dad was surprised and I could tell, proud. I liked that.
What is lock bumping? it's simple, really. You take a normal key, like a house key, and file it down just so. You put the key in the lock, but not all the way. You put light pressure on the key as if you're going to turn it and then you "bump" it into the lock. That's it. Like magic, the key turns and you're in the door. It works in pretty much every kind of key lock out there.
Dad said, "Kid, locks don't mean anything to you and me. We can go anywhere we want any time. Normal people can't, kid. But you and me? we're not them. we're different. but you have to remember. you have to use this for good, kid. don't tell anyone you know how to do this. don't get into trouble with this. it's too easy. take the high road and you and me, we'll stick together. you, kid, will ride by my side until the day i die. And, I will ride by your side until the day you lie. Thout shalt not steal when there is a direct victim.
I didn't know what that meant, at all. He took me to school and dropped me off at the office and talked to the secretary and it was still recess so I said goodbye and they let me go outside for the last 3 minutes until the bell rang.
I finished a mason jar of cold green beans and hit save. I left the old farmhouse and walked South to the clearing. The old airstrip is still here, but it is going to need some work. I walk to the hangar at the far end of the property, further South, and accessible from another road. I think he built it there so he could truck fuel in late at night using roads that didn't pass homes.
Another low, metal pole barn, this one was built to store small planes rather than hide stolen cars. It's wide sliding doors were overgrown with ivy and the lone, human-sized door was tucked in the corner. It accepted credit-cards just as dad intended. I go in.
The roof is covered in corrugated plastic translucent green roof panels which give the whole building and everything in it a sickening glow. The fuel tanks are under ground to save room, but there isn't much left in this old building anymore. The tractor is still here, and the brush hog looks like it will work just fine. (I hope there's enough diesel.) I walk around a little bit. It's a shame how this place got cleaned out. There was so much neat stuff to look at back when I was a kid, then later things that would save her when I was frantically searching for parts in the dark.
I find some tall stakes leaning in a corner and then a pile of red shop rags next to the workbench. I spend some time tying rags to stakes then I go outside. Dad installed lights on this old farm airfield when his business really started taking off (couldn't help that one.) So, i go out and try to stake every single one of them. I don't have nearly enough stakes, but I do have enough to mark enough lights that make up half-day's mowing area, so, that'll do. I walk outside and the sun is bright and the day is getting hot and the green and gold field of hay is alive with bugs and breeze and birds and who knows what else is out here.
I get to work.
The grass is thick and green with patches brown like straw. It catches the toe of my boot and I stumble as I search for the first runway light. They don't seem to be where I remembered and I keep going until I finally kick one in a spot that doesn't seem like the right place for a runway light. The grass is thick around the light's oxidized metal cage that surrounds the light blue glass lens. It looks like something you might see hanging from the ceiling of a mine shaft, but bigger and pointing up. The stake (with red flag) slides easily between the metal and glass and wedges in just so.
Perfect.
I stand up straight and try to visualize a straight line down the runway. Next light should be about 10 meters down the line. So, I walk. The sweat is thin and cold on my neck in this breeze and I pull off my shirt to feel the sun. I notice there's a lot less of me than there used to be. And, what is there is tight. Ripped, almost. Not strong, exactly, but it is like my body fat is gone and I'm lean. My belt is two holes tighter than it has ever been and I feel like I can work ten times as hard and still be fine. Pollen and particles from the field floating through the air like flotsam stick to my skin as I walk and I am dirty and I am loving it.
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